Let's avoid the dreaded speeding ticket.

Let's say I'm a cop and you wanna try and fool me into not giving you a speeding ticket after I pull you over for speeding? Ha! Your ass is grass! Or is it?

Picture this, I'm in a bad mood and I'm in my patrol car. I'm in a bad mood because I just tried to fart a few minutes ago and accidentally shit in my pants. Therefore, I had to ditch my boxers since I stained them and had to use my socks to wipe my ass. I was too embarrassed to go back to the station to change because I KNOW someone's going to realize what I did. Anyway, the point is is that I'm pissed.

It is night and I'm in the middle of my shift. I'm parked in a hidden location. I see you zoom by me.

Ha! I'm gonna bust your ass for speeding. I just clocked you doing 60 in a 45 mph stretch of road.

I quickly speed up behind you and flash you. No, I don't show you my cock and stuff like I'm naked under a trenchcoat. I'm on patrol and there's no high school nearby anyway. I mean I flash my lights to signal you to pull over so I can give you a speeding ticket. I'm SOOOO ready to give you a speeding ticket. I'm POSITIVE I'm going to give you a speeding ticket.

I smirk as I see you look in your rear view mirror and inwardly smile to myself as you realize you've just been caught. I like that aspect of pulling people over, seeing the look in their eyes in the rear view mirror as they realize I'm pulling them over.

You're in the left lane of the highway as I flash you. To my surprise, you don't act like an asshole and pull over on the left by the median. Instead, you pull over to the right. shoulder. Actually, you pull all the way to the right that I notice you even pull off the shoulder. Hm, you're being considerate to me by making me feel safe. I don't like feeling like I'm in danger of getting hit by traffic zooming by me. I like that.

You're pulled over as far to the right as possible. If you were near an exit when I flashed you and actually exited the highway and pulled over after you get off, it would've definitely made me feel safe. Afterall, I don't know what kinda wacko you are. I'm really worried that you're some psycho that's going to shoot me in the face when I walk up to your window of your car. I like feeling safe and you made me feel somewhat safe from getting hit by a car by pulling all the way over to the right as far as possible instead of being an idiot and pulling over on the median. That's a good move.

Ah, you lower your driver-side window and turned off your car and turn on your hazard lights on as well. That's good to know. Now that your car is turned off, I don't hafta worry about you just jetting off on me when I'm out of my car and approaching your car. It makes me feel good that you're taking that into consideration. Now I feel a bit safe and that you're somewhat considerate. I don't care. You're STILL getting a speeding ticket.

I notice you don't reach into the glove compartment for anything. Sure, you could most likely be reaching for your insurance card or registration, but how the fuck am I to know it's that? If I assume it's that, I could get killed. Why do you think I don't like pulling people over, even if it's for speeding? I'm glad you don't reach for your glove compartment. That way, I don't have to be cautious and worried and think you're reaching for a weapon. I don't like being worried.

You turn your interior light. That impresses me. It's dark out and I couldn't see you that well. But now that you turned on your interior light, I can see you better. It gives me a good view of you. That makes me feel better, because I have a clear view of you and if you make any sudden moves. That's very considerate of you and it makes me feel safe. I now realize you're not only being considerate, but you make me feel even safer. But still, I'm cautious. I, like all my co-workers, fear the thought of being shot in the face.

Because the interior light on, I notice you have a passenger. That makes me a bit edgy because there's a chance your passenger my shoot me while my attention is on you. It makes me feel unsafe now. I don't like that feeling. If you make me feel unsafe, it gets me in a bad mood because it makes me feel like I'm risking my life just to give out a speeding ticket.

I see you turn your head to the passenger and say something to him. I get cautious. Are you telling him some kind of plan to kill me? I'm even more cautious now. To my surprise, I see the passenger put his hands on the dashboard in front of him, his hand clearly seen due to the interior light being on. Suddenly, I realize you told your passenger to make me feel safe by having it so that I can see your passenger's hands clearly on the dashboard. I'm feeling much safer now. I like that. MAYBE I might not give you a speeding ticket.

I see you put your keys on the dashboard. This really impresses me. Now there's no chance you can suddenly start the car and take off on me. That's because I can react accordingly if I see you grabbing for the keys to start your car to take off on me. That's very considerate of you. You just displayed to me that you have no indication of running on me whatsoever. That's very considerate of you, to let me know that and I like that.

You put both of your hands on the steering, where I can see them visibly. Well I'll be damned, not only do I see your passenger's hands clearly, but now I can see your hands clearly. Now I feel as safe as I can be in this situation. I can see both occupants' hands clearly. I notice none of them are holding weapons so I no longer have to worry about being shot in the face. Now I feel safe. I'm still a MAYBE in not giving you a speeding ticket. It could go either way. It now depends on what bullshit you try to tell me.

I've heard EVERYTHING everyone has said to me."Are you sure your radar detected me?", "I was only following the flow of traffic", "I have explosive diarrhea and need to get home fast". Whatever bullshit you plan on saying to me, I've already heard it. I don't like being bullshitted to. If you're a girl and expect a flash of some cleavage is going to get me to go easy on you, you're wrong. I hate that shit. There's a saying in my field of work:.'Badge gets you pussy, but pussy gets your badge'. If you're a girl and start crying that it's your dad's car and he's going to kill you, do you think that will work? Nope. It pisses me off even more. That shit ain't gonna work on me. You're the dumb fuck that was speeding and you were the dumb fuck that got caught. Live with it. You've been caught.

I walk up to your car. I'm curious as to what stupid fucking excuse you, like every other dumb fuck out there, will give me. I hate people who think I'm an idiot and would fall for your stupid shit. It pisses me off and will guarantee you a speeding ticket. At this moment, I'm a MAYBE in terms of giving you a ticket. I'm in a bad mood afterall and just want to vent. It's too bad I'm going to vent it on you.

At your window, I notice you and your passenger have your seatbelts on. That's good. That's one less ticket I need to write you on top of the speeding ticket, provided I DO give you a speeding ticket. I was POSITIVE I was going to give you a ticket, but because you made me feel safe, I'm wavering.

I ask for your license and registration. You hand them to me. I notice you have them. God forbid you not have your registration. That would mean I would have to go through the trouble of checking my computer in my patrol car to see who the car belongs to. If you make me do that, you're making me angry and basically guaranteeing yourself a speeding ticket. However, since you have them, you have nothing to worry about.

"Do you know how fast you were doing?" I ask you. I'm hoping you say some stupid shit like "I'm not too sure. I believe I was driving at a safe speed". Bullshit you don't know. EVERYONE looks down at the speedometer when they see a cop in their mirror flashing them. If you say that, I KNOW you're lying to me. I hate lying fucks. If you lie to me, it means you don't respect my authority enough to tell me the truth. That's why all you fucks get tickets, because you guys think you can bullshit your way out of a ticket.

"I was speeding, officer," you say to me.

I'm shocked. You told me the truth. This has never really happened before. Everyone tells me bullshit that I've forgotten what it's like to be told the truth. This really surprises me, not in a bad way, but in a really good way. I suddenly realize you're man enough to admit that you've been caught and ready to take responsibility for you actions.

"Yes, you were speeding. Do you know how fast?" I ask, to see if that was just a fluke that you would tell me the truth.

"I was doing 60, officer" you answer.

I'm surprised again. You're definitely telling me the truth. I like the fact that you add the 'officer' at the end of your replies. It seems like you're showing me a sense of respect that is often not showed toward someone like myself, especially when, day in and day out, I'm risking my life keeping people like you safe by telling me the truth. I like being shown respect. I'm human like everyone else and I don't like being lied to. If you treat me with respect, I'll treat you with respect. Since you've obviously made me feel safe by doing all that you've done before I stepped out of my patrol car and walked up to your window, it's obvious you're being very considerate toward me and showing me a lot of respect. I really like that.

"Why were you in such a hurry?" I ask, wondering if you would slip and start bullshitting me.

"No real reason," you tell me, "I should have been paying attention but I wasn't,"

I smile. Now that I've heard your story, I can head back to your car. It's obvious you're telling me the truth and I really really like that. Heck, even I make that mistake so I know where you're coming from. I don't usually pay attention that much and usually don't realize I'm speeding. I head back to my car. After a quick check, I find out you have a speeding ticket a while ago. But it doesn't bother me much. It's not like you have a speeding violation entered in the systems last week. It's obvious you're not a blatant speeder.

After checking up on you, I decide to give let you off with a warning. Why? Because you showed me respect and was very considerate and even made me feel safer by eliminating my fear that you would shoot me in the face with a gun when I step up to your window. Doing all those little things REALLY helped. If I feel safe, I feel happy. If you show me respect and tell me the truth, I makes me feel better that you're being courteous and accepting responsibilities. Since it's obvious you're not the usual assholes I always have to deal with that always bullshit me all the time, I'm going to cut you a break and give you a warning. You deserve it. I don't like writing up speeding tickets anyway and prefer to give warnings. It's too bad most of the dumb fucks out there that try to bullshit me and such usually talk themselves into a speeding ticket.

"I'm gonna give you only a warning this time. You just make sure you slow down," I say to you after I come back to your car.

"Thank you officer," you say respectfully.

You drive off with only a warning and didn't get a speeding ticket. You made my day by being respectful so I wanted to make your day by not giving you a ticket you were definitely supposed to get. I almost never pull people over with the intent of giving a speeding ticket. If you people realize that and being respectful and admitting your mistakes after I pull you over, much much more often than not, you're only getting a warning.

A person zooms by me. I head off to pull him over.

Enough with this story-assed rant. I remember reading a very informative article a while ago on how to avoid speeding tickets and wanted to convey it to you guys like that of a story. I can't remember where I read it but it was so useful that I basically remembered everything about it. Hopefully, you liked reading this and might actually find it useful...provided you realize this story CAN be used to help you in understanding how to avoid a speeding ticket.

Below is an email someone sent me about my rant. This email was cut and pasted verbatim for your reading pleasure:

From: Sgt Ranma

I must say, I find your rants really interesting. Some I like (especially the one about having babies in the theaters, although I'd also include assholes who bring cellphones that are still on and dorks who give out loud, audible comments for every little thing in the movie), and some I sorta question, but all are interesting to read and are worth a look to me.

The one that especially caught my attention was your "Avoid the dreaded speeding ticket" rant. I was smiling while reading the whole thing and chuckled at some parts. I just wanted to share some personal experiences of my own, since I'm a police officer in real life and work patrol in a city that is notorious for being busy and hectic. The article that you mentioned reading about avoiding traffic tickets, I believe I read something similar to that. The only problem is, there are way too many cops out there who simply don't give a shit irregardless of how polite you are, and it sounds like it was written by some "insightful" smart-ass who got off lucky once or twice in his life using those tactics. Or perhaps that article was written by a cop, who knows, I'd just like to know where this softy has worked.

First off, there are several groups of cops out there with different attitudes of giving tickets. From my personal experience, not only from my workplace but from talking about it with other officers from elsewhere, ticket writers can be flushed out into three different categories.

One, is the apathetic asshole, most of the time this cop is a serious loser and he works for a small suburb/town/city that is quiet and has little activity. These cops usually park their asses in a blind spot and hunt down traffic law violaters all day, REGARDLESS of the quota they are assigned to fill. The most obnoxious and pathetic thing these guys do however is preying on high school kids during times when they drive their cars out in flocks (beginning of school, lunch break, or when school ends) and they collar them for speeding "50 in a 35 zone" (which by the way is bullshit, realistically you're a dumbass if you can't drive at least 70 reasonably safely in a 35mph zone, depending on the traffic and road) or for a "California-roll", which is simply coasting across a stop sign, while not fully "stopping" with the car still. I have a little cousin who got ticketed for one of these offenses, and I must say, it's pretty ridiculous. I'd understand if the officer hasn't met his quota of the day, but seeing as how it was the guy's 20 something ticket of the day (I can tell by the dated serial-numbering and manual filing), I can't justify why he's being such a dick. And this is with my cousin being polite, and telling the truth, along with the other usual stuff. How do I know he was polite, you might ask? It's because his father (and my uncle) is a long time and somewhat high-ranking police officer himself, and he knows either him or me will beat his ass for being rude to another adult let alone a cop under serious circumstances. Also, the officer ran my cousin's license plate, which is actually under SPECIAL PRIVILEGE licensed as a law-enforcement vehicle since it legally belongs to his father, yet even with the knowledge that this kid is the son of one of his fellow "bros", he still gave that darn ticket. Anything short of a meteor falling upon him wouldn't have stopped this guy from filling out that stub.

The second category of ticketing cops is the traffic bike cop (not all of them of course, there are exceptions, but you can see who I'm pointing to, right?), or as I'd like to call them, METER MAIDS. These guys are under strict orders to do nothing but write tickets and pull people over unless they are given an emergency assistence call or specifically asked for a Code 2 or 3. These pricks give out about 40-60 tickets a day, and don't really have a quota. At least these guys have an excuse though, despite how much their jobs suck to the general public. When it comes to these guys, it honestly doesn't matter what damn excuse you give them. Even the truth. You're gonna be reaching for your ankles to receive a pounding. In fact, there are only two ways I can think of that'll safely guarantee you, either being a cop yourself and showing your badge, in which case they'll let you go outright without a hassle as long as you're reasonably polite, or if you're a very close relative of a police officer and you have the hardware to support it, such as the license plate authorization as mentioned above or even a simple wallet picture of a loved one in a uniform.

And the last category of ticketing cops is where I happen to fall in. Basically, at the start of the shift I have to fill in a certain quota of tickets per shift just to prove that I was actually doing something instead of sitting on my ass and eating donuts (I don't like donuts anymore anyway). Now, I may actually sound very similar to the first category of cops, but here is where we/I differ. After I fill in my quota of 8-12 tickets (I have still yet to learn of a logical reason as to why the hell this number changes out of nowhere), I simply don't bother pulling people over anymore and get on to doing some REAL police work. Such as responding to domestic violence calls, robberies, narcotics infractions, etc. The only time I might pull over more people is if they blatantly break the law in front of me, blatant to me being a shit-for-brains driver who runs right through a red light in front of me, and I have no choice but to take him out since I'd look bad in public by ignoring something so obvious. Cops of my category are usually forgiving, I try to be despite what mood I may be in. Although most of the time, the people I pull over simply "pretend" to be nice and be all remorseful, which in turn pisses me off and I give them that unlucky ticket anyway. The ones I let go, are usually the ones I can pinpoint by the genuine shaking in their voice and the random quivering of their lips, the idle sweatdrops that slowly form on their brow, and their wandering eyes. But this in itself isn't exactly frequent, so anyone can get screwed.

There is a possible fourth category, but it is really more of an extension of the third. Some cops still pull people over after their quota however they give only warnings and use scare tactics to teach driver's a lesson and to give them a second chance instead of giving them a slash to their record that could possible raise their insurance bills to strenuous amounts or give a life threatening burden to a low-income family. I personally find nothing wrong with this, it's basically just keeping people in check.

So these are the three basic categories of cops who give out tickets in the everyday world, and most of the time it's pretty consistent. If the tactics you mentioned in your rant work for you, more power to ya since it works and that's all that matters. But for most of the time, I don't believe it'll accomplish too much. Or maybe I'm just too pessimistic about it. Telling the "truth" really shouldn't shock, surprise, or even please any cop. It might even give them more of a reason to harpoon you since you knew what the heck you were doing. Even if it was a mistake that even they have could've or have made. There's a really stupid and hypocritical phrase that cops say concerning that, "Do as I say, not as I do."

There are couple of things I'd like to point out though, just to rant some more. Being afraid of the driver/passenger reaching for the glovebox isn't something that makes me piss in my pants. Some people are bothered by it no matter how long they've been working on the job, but for me I've been desensitized to some danger senses, mainly because it happens to be I pulled over some pussies. Or if the passengers were armed with guns in their hands, I'd be shot to death anyway before I even have the chance to check if these guys are serious. If they hesitate, good for me, because I won't. Actually, if I am facing someone who has the mentality to act out on me as well as the decision to follow through, whether or not I worry about that glove box I'm gonna be in for a surprise. In fact, I'd WANT him to take out a gun from his glove box while he's in the car, since he's still in a prone position, at an awkward and disadvantaged angle compared to my position, has to visibly pivot himself to get in a line of fire, and so on. I'm a trained and experienced pro, not some back-water hick like the kind you usually see on COPS! TV, I'm at a tactical advantage at all times no matter what the occassion and I've trained myself to be able unholster and engage a target at literally the snap of a finger. I'd definitely rather have him open up that glovebox there in the seat, rather than pulling out a shooter from his back pocket when I'm ordering him to get the hell out of the car. Oh yeah, and during this entire time I have a partner who is in a similar tactically advantaged position, who is just as well trained and I can fully trust (Btw, at least with my department single sergeant patrol units don't pull people over for safety reasons). Actually, did you know that in theory, as according to your story if the officer had been forced to walk back to his car to check a license or a VIN on a computer instead of asking about it over his radio, he would've been in a LOT of danger since he is entering a "kill zone"? This is because he is not only stepping away from whatever tactical position (yeah, I know I use this term often, but oh well) he might've held, but he is going back to his car, where he might not be able to see what the driver/passengers are doing? Just a thought.

Whoa, I don't know why I ranted so much, I think a lot of this wasn't even necessary and may be irrelevent, but oh well. It feels good discussing stuff and putting it into words. I guess I just wanted to tell you something from me as a result of reading your stuff. Keep up the good work, and churn out some good stuff. It's almost as entertaining as your fanfics ^_-

- SgtRanma

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