How to get the heck out of the Friend Zone

I have received an overwhelming amount of feedback from my You're in the Friend Zone and you're not getting out rant. Most of them are from guys who whole-heartily agree with what I've written. I've received a few criticisms and disagreements but nothing all that bad. They were mostly about my tone in the rant and my excessive use of profanity (I have gone back and fixed it since) and how some points brought up seem a bit hard to understand. I've also received comments that my rants seem to have a lotta stereotyping which I agree with. I know for a fact that I stereotype. Want an example? I remember a time I was hanging out with a close Black friend of mine and he expressed interest in going snowboarding since I snowboard. I ended up saying, "Wait, you wanna go snowboarding with me? But you're Black. I thought Black people don't like stuff like that. I figure they don't like doing stuff where their feet aren't firmly on the ground. That's why you don't see many Black hockey players" My friend found the comment every bit as funny as I did and is cool enough to know that that is my brand of humor.

Now, before you go thinking I'm a racist because of that above joke, I'm not. If I really am racist, I would not be hanging out with Black friend since, if I was racist, I'd be uncomfortable hanging around him, huh? I merely have a crude sense of humor and a lack of tact. Unfortunately, I probably WILL get my ass kicked because of it, but I would rather risk getting my ass kicked being able to talk freely instead of walking around being careful of what I say outta fear of offending someone. I think I have that sense of humor where, if you're open-minded enough to enjoy a good joke for what it is, you'll laugh like crazy around me.

Anyway, among those comments I've received, there have been a slew of guys out there that tell me that my rant has revealed to them something they never knew until they read it, that they're in the Friend Zone. I guess I shouldn't be surprised because the rant is a bit of an eye-opener. Now, among these particular messages, many of the guys have basically said "Okay, I realize I'm in the Friend Zone now. How the Hell do I get out of there so I can start getting some ass? Can you give me some advice?"

First off, I hafta do something. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA, that's so damn funny. No, I'm not laughing at these 'friends' stuck in the Friend Zone. I'm laughing because these 'friends' are EXACTLY the kinda 'friends' all you girls have but believe your 'friend' isn't like that. How do I know? Because they put up with the stuff every girl has put them through. For instance, they've listened to the girl talk about other guys, listened to her talk about her personal problems and shortcomings, they've offered to cheer her up and take her somewhere when she's having a bad day. They see her or talk to her basically every day. They compliment her all the time when she's fishing for compliments. These are the guys that are your 'friends'. These are the same guys I'm referring to in my rants about how they remain your 'friend' in hopes of one day getting in your pants, provided they DO wanna have sex with you. These are the guys so far in the Friend Zone they own property there because you put them there.

Some guys are naturally nice. That's good. Unfortunately, that basically gets you no where in terms of having sex with the girl that sees you as a 'friend'. I believe guys are more natural at being assholes than being a nice guy. It's just that society makes them nice guys.

Want a few examples? Opening the door for a girl. Why do I hafta open the door for a girl? Really. She has hands. There's a thing called equal opportunity. I'm sure a girl is strong enough to open a door on her own. Do you guys go outta your way to open the door for your guy friends? Probably not. Because you're not gonna be having sex with your friend, it's not an issue. So why do you go outta your way to open the door for a chick? If you're not going to be having sex with that female friend of yours, why should you make it a damn issue to open the door for her? Of course, guys BELIEVE that they MIGHT be able to have sex with her so it DOES become an issue. Once again, it's the guy fooling himself by believing that being nice might earn them brownie points.

The first step to getting outta the Friend Zone is REALIZING you're not getting out of the Friend Zone. There are exceptions, but it's very rare. You're not all that special so you're not going to get any sex from the chick while you're in this Friend Zone. Once you realize that, you should start acting accordingly. Stop trying to impress her. Forget about trying to impress her by showing her how nice and helpful you are. Just do your own thing. Quit wasting your time. Move on. It's not that hard. Think of her as a guy friend you don't want to hang out with anymore. If you don't have to impress the girl anymore, it'll save you a lot of time and money. Sure, continue to hang out with her, but enjoy being yourself and acting completely comfortable with whatever you do. If you two go to the mall, go to the store you wanna check out. If she doesn't want to go with you, tell her she can go to the stores she wants to while you go to the stores you want to and meet up somewhere afterward. Afterall, you no longer want to try and impress her so you don't need to go shopping with her if you don't particularly care to go shopping with her. You don't hafta deal with crap you don't want to. If you don't wanna do something, don't. It's that simple. Ironically, when you stop trying to impress a girl and start acting yourself, it usually impresses the girl. I've seen this happen countless times.

For instance, I was in high school. My very good friend liked this girl from another school. Since I was pretty passive and shy in high school, I backed off. However, let it be known that I was a huge trouble maker in high school. We all hung out, me and my friend and her and her friends. You know how high school kids get together usually, they hang out in a group together because the group would act as a good buffer should things get awkward. Since I realized that I had little to no chance in getting the cute girl (my friend is good with getting the girls he likes and I'm also a loyal friend and was willing to be a wingman) and the other girls there were ugly or annoying, I was able to relax since there was no need to try an impress the girls. We ended up going to some batting cage (Yeah, "WTF?" now that I think of it). The batting cage had several arcade games. Over the course of our hanging out, I ended up breaking into a couple of the arcade games and stealing all the tokens and walking off with around $150+ bucks after standing in front of the token machine exchanging them for money ("I have these extra tokens I'm trying to get rid of"). I ended up killing a bird with a rock (I can't remember why). I ended up spending most of my time chilling with a few other friends I knew from high school that happened to have been there before I had to leave with the group I was originally with. And last but not least, I didn't offer to pay for any of the girls' meals with the $150+ I made stealing tokens. What happened at the end of the night? Take a guess who the cute chick ended up asking out^_^

Now that I'm older and I think about it, I realized that when I stopped giving a damn about what I did since it's usually to try and impress a girl, I'm much more fun to be around. Okay, I'm not a trouble maker anymore and stealing back then was wrong but, hey, I was young. The bird I killed was a pigeon, a rat with wings. When I stopped trying to impress a girl, I'm more comfortable with myself and don't care if what I say offends someone. Because of that, I'm more witty and humorous and confident about what I do. And because of that, it impresses a girl. That's what I find funny. Girls find you more amusing when you stop trying to impress her. That's one of the reason why guys with girlfriends tend to have other girls liking him, because he already has a woman and starts acting more comfortable with himself and not caring about impressing anyone.

Just stop caring about how the girl is going to view you. If she sees you as an asshole, so be it. Move on. She's probably not as special as you think she is. You only see her as special because that's what you WANT to see. What you need is an honest person like me, a person who wouldn't hold back on what he says, to tell you what he sees in your girl. You need someone like me to basically give you the down and dirty truth about how clouded your judgment is. You need to understand that relationships, once established, are generally set in stone. If your relationship with the chick is established as that of a 'friend', then you'll likely remain her 'friend' indefinitely.

I'm sure a lot of guys have excuses that they tell themselves on why they remain friends with a girl even though she won't have sex with him.

"We get along so well on so many levels" Yeah, that may be the case, but you're not getting along on perhaps one of the most important level, a physical level.

"I know she is the one meant for me" If she's the one that's meant for you, then you should be the one meant for her. If that's not the case, it sounds like a case of one-sided love to me. You're basically Ryoga to her Akane. Man, I can't believe I used an anime analogy here.

"There's no girl I've ever met that I could talk to so easily as her" Are sure you can talk about everything really easily? Fine, talk to her about chicks like you do when you're talking to your closest guy friend. Talk about how much you wanna fuck a girl you see walking down the street. Oh, wait, you can't. You're worried it might shock her to the point that she doesn't want to be around you. Either that or lower her opinion of you.

"But I can talk to her about chicks" Sounds to me like you're playing the jealousy card, another pathetic 'friend' attempt guys try to do to get a girl to TRY and realize what a great guy you are. If you do talk to her about chicks, ask her to be a real friend. Tell her to help you hook up with one of her easy chick friends so you can get some ass since she isn't giving you any ass in the first place.

"She's just not interested in having a relationship right now" Man, aren't you going to be in for a surprise when she ends up with someone else when she finally decides she is ready to enter a relationship.

"She came out of a bad relationship and she needs time" How much time? How long have you been waiting for her? 6 months? 1 year? 2 years? More?! A person needs less time to get over having their ENTIRE LIFE flipped inside-out. It's just a relationship. If a relationship fucked her up that badly for that long, maybe you're better off without her. Sounds like she has a lot of unnecessary emotional baggage. Of course, I doubt it's like that. She's just stringing you along.

"But Ross got Rachel (Friends) and Yuusaku got Kyoko (Maison Ikkoku) and they started off in the Friend Zone" Congratulations, you referred to fictional works as the basis for your thinking. Those two Friendship-turned-Relationship seem utterly bullshit anyway.

Getting out of the Friend Zone is weird. When you realize you want out (ie: want to terminate the friendship completely) you usually accidentally get out of the Friend Zone and into Relationship Zone. In layman's terms, once you wanna get the hell out (ie: not just get out of Friend Zone but actually get out of knowing the girl) you end up getting sucked back in and end up in the Zone you want^_^ Unfortunately, by the time that happens, you're most likely no longer that nice guy you used to be when she first knew you.

Look, I'm sure there are a lot of reasons you can think of that explains why you're willing remain in the Friend Zone with a chick you want to have sex with. Unfortunately, I believe the down-and-dirty truth of it is that you want a hot piece of ass and success comes to those who wait. If you realize that that belief is stupid and a waste of your time and money, you've slowly begun heading down that road to growing a set of balls and moving on with your life. Anyway, once you stop caring, you will get out of the Friend Zone. If you end up losing the girl because of your selfishness, so be it. You're better off anyway. There are lots of girls out there.

To all you women that want to flame me because I seem like some shallow asshole only interested in one thing, you're right. I am an asshole. However, if you women think you're all sugar and spice and everything nice, you're dead wrong. Deep down inside, you're most likely using your 'friend' and his sexual feelings toward you to your advantage to get the affection you crave since you're not getting it from the person EXPECTED to give them to you, your boyfriend or lover. If your friend dotes on you so much, it's obvious that you can expect him to give you the affection you need after he becomes your boyfriend or lover. Of course, since guys are assholes, there might be a chance he'll throw you to the curb after he finally got a piece of you. Of course, that's doubtful if he really truly is a nice guy and really enjoys being around you.

In terms of being in the Friend Zone, guys, stop trying to impress a girl that has no intention of sleeping with you.

Quit fooling yourself and move on and start looking for better prospects.

Here is a story submitted verbatim by someone who read my 'You're in the Friend Zone and you're not getting out' and this rant and decided to do something about it. He asked me for some advice so I pointed him in the direction of http://www.intellectualwhores.com, a rather amusing site that's worth checking into despite the odd domain. The advice I wanted to gave him is basically the same as what the site gave. I decided on simply letting the site do the work for me in explaining the premise of the Friend Zone because I'm lazy and wanted to do something else with my time instead ;) To prevent confusion to those who haven't read that site, IW = intellectual whore = a person stuck in Friend Zone. IW is simply an acronym the person and the site uses to refer to someone in the Friend Zone. If you guys out there wish to send me your success stories, go right ahead and I'll be happy to post 'em.

ROGER CHAO <rsccola@hotmail.com>

AIM Screenname: kenshinrc2000

How should I put this, a few weeks ago and those years behind it, I was following the general mainstream idea of trying to court a girl. Being nice and showing a caring attitude like any boyfriend should be, but I wasn't viewed as a boyfriend. I was viewed only as a friend. At that time I thought the every relationship revolved around that, but I didn't realize that I wasn't getting anything out of it. To the female, I am only a friend and nothing higher, though I want to take it into the next level. Seriously, I am sure a lot of males out there probably been through my position in the Friends Zone and never can get out of it. If they even try to make a move to the ladder of being with her, they be punted down to the abyss. I remember those times I confess my love to the girl I like, but she doesn't consider me more than a friend. Sadly enough it hurts the guy more than any girl can ever imagine. Though males tend to generally hide their emotions, us guys feel like shit.

Well, Jeff, my hero, was trying to recover as many males as possible. He told me to head to the Intelluctual Whore site and read what they wrote. At first, I was dubious that I was an IW and that my life was not being used by females. But the more I read, the angrier I got. Stories were posted on the forums of how guys been put up so much crap to try to get the girl and still it doesn't work. I feel for you guys, I know how it feels.

Personally I'm not a phsyically attractive male, I'm not rich and I'm an anime lover. Manga and anime has pretty much sustained most of my hobbies while computer games clear up the rest. A lot of my qualities are not the top of the list of the females, so I resort to being their friends and see how that works and sadly like I said it doesn't work.

However, reading through the IW site, I found some interesting facts that are so true. Being the jerk, being selfish and making yourself independent is so true. IWs are dependent on the females, which causes them to appease her. In order to get her though, you got to be independent, you got to be that jerk that doesn't really care. I know its weird and its sometimes difficult to sort of change, but believe me, it really works. With there help, I picked up a hot girl.

While reading the IW forums, I picked up some interesting tips on how to pick up girls and especially this interesting theory. Its called the "Hi Theory". Its really easy but it requires patience and timing. For me, I was quite lucky cause of the fact that I was able to get to talk to Sara in less than two days. However, time is a major problem in this theory, so be prepared. First off, you got to find the girl you really like and after that say hi to her. Once you done, you leave her and ignore her completely while going off to do your business. When you find her again repeat it and leave her again. This will catch her offguard and be like who are you? Plus you leaving her makes her feel unwanted and now she is interested in getting to know who you are. I thought at first this was really dumb and wasn't possible, but when I saw Sara, I really wanted to try.

Heh, of course as you know, I am the shy individual like many others out there. Feels awkward everytime when you talk to a really beautiful female. You feel like your words are like slurred and your tongue tied. Nervousness easily develops and your gut feels kind of funny sometimes. Looking back at those times makes you laugh, but you know you feel bad that it happaned. I know I feel bad about it, but I wasn't about to stop. I was going to make my move and you know what, it wasn't really that bad.

I went straight up to her while she was chatting with her friends and I said my hello to her. Sara turned towards me, but before I can give her eye contact, I turned my head and left her. It was kind of hard because I wanted to gaze at her some more, but I mustered the courage to turn away and walk off without giving her a chance to respond with any words or a wave. I felt elated that I completed the first step and now I had to be patient and wait for the next one.

Luckily for me, it came on the next day while I was heading off to the college bookstore. I was heading there to buy some manga and check out on the GTO selection. Yes, GTO rocks, I am a major Onizuka fan. Haha. Well turns out Sara was close by the bookstore with her friends. They were slowly heading to the direction of the bookstore while sipping on Starbucks drinks. With less tension in my body and my voice, I went up to her once more and said hello with a small wave. Sara turned to me and smiled while saying her hello back. I quickly nodded and went into the bookstore while checking out the manga, but seems I was lucky again. Turns out she wanted to get some mystery novels, so she went into the bookstore and in a few minutes was right next to me while looking up the books.

Instantly, a conversation struck up while she was chatting about mystery novels. Of course, I didn't want to pay attention because I had to be the jerk. Thus I focused in staring at the manga and to drone out her voice. It was kind of awkward and frustrating at my part since I wanted to chat with her and talk with her as long as possible, but I had to shut my mouth and ignore her. Still the one-sided conversation didn't really last long since she found her book and was about to go. I was about to wave her goodbye, but she quickly asked me if I wanted to go to a party with her on the weekend. The invitation was surprising and made me feel all giddy inside. Course, I wanted to say yes as quickly as possible, but I still tried to stay in the jerk zone and gave a nonchalant nod. Sara smiled and asked for my cell phone, but I told her mine broke. That wasn't true, but I recalled from the IW site you don't want to give your cell phone number given the fact that she can call you up and make you do anything she wants to do. Then you stuck in the friend's ladder and all you worked for went down the drain. Sara, though believed my story and gave me her cell phone number.

Feeling all giddy inside and wanting to call her, I contacted her the next day. However, that was a big mistake. First off, contact with a girl must be very little and not an every day basis. The IW site dictates that calling everyday and such makes the girl feel wanted so you slowly become predictable and suddenly unwanted. You want to make the girl feel unwanted, so light contact or hardly any contact at all on the phone would be a good idea. Sadly my emotions clouded my judgement and I chatted with Sara for a few minutes while she gave an invitation to hang in her place. Still I had some luck still on my side because after that phone call, I went to work and was chatting with Jeff on AIM. Jeff pointed out it was a bad idea to make that move and that I shouldn't show up to Sara's place. After some given thought, I realized how true it was, I didn't want to head there or else I be off the ladder which I want to be and be flung to the Friend's ladder. After a few minutes of chatting with Jeff, I gave up on going to Sara's place and didn't bother to call her. In that space of a few days, it was kind of torturous cause I want to call her and hang out with Sara, but I had to make her feel unwanted and make her feel curious about me and how much she wants to meet me now.

Well, the weekend came up and the party was going to start soon. But I still had two hours of time before Sara picked me up and took me there. I quickly dialed for my friend and had him bring some six packs of beer. Personally, I am not a heavy alcohol drinker. I only drink socially, but at this time I had to get slightly buzzed. Jeff said I should, that way I would be more open and probably be indifferent to the party. Once I had a six pack of beers, I felt a bit buzzed and slightly dizzy. After thanking my friend for buying the brew, I left my apartment and waited outside. In a few minutes, Sara picked me up and took me to the party. And by the way I do have a car, but I'm lazy in driving it. Yes, I hate driving, its annoying and long drives make me sleepy. I rather bum off rides and carpool with people. Tells you how lazy I am haha.

Anyhow we arrive at the party and she introduced me to her friends. However, I didn't stay with their group long. After a few good minutes of chatting, I slowly sneaked off and went to some other female group and listened to their conversation. They were talking about some feminist topic and well, being slightly buzzed and such, I opened my dumb mouth and gave a sexist comment in how guys are better in business. Well, I basically triggered a storm of glares and some verbal abuse at me for that. However, I recalled Sara glancing at me a couple times wondering why I left them. Silently thanking Jeff and IW site once more for there many ideas about dealing with a party, I quickly drank some more beer and waited around until an hour passed. After that, I noticed one of my friend's was there and so I asked if I can get a ride from him. He was surprised at that since he thought the party was fun, but I wanted to leave and so he said that was fine.

With that acknowledgement, I went up to Sara and told her I was leaving. I said the party wasn't fun and that I was going to go. However, she tried to console me saying that I wasn't there long enough and that I should stay longer and it will be more fun. Still, staying in that jerk mode that I should be, I shook my head and kept a determined look in leaving. I motioned a wave of farewell and left. Now you wonder why I didn't leave with her? Well, I didn't want to due to the fact I wanted her to stay there and wonder why I left, I didn't want to sit in her car and chat with her or give any more reasons why on leaving because I really had no more to give. Well on the next day, I got a call on my cell phone. Turns out one of Sara's friends got my cell phone number and asked me why I left. She said it was kind of rude of me leaving Sara and her group. After all, I left Sara there while she was the one inviting me and such. Partially I felt bad, but I couldn't let them know that. So I told her that the party wasn't interesting and because of that I wanted to leave. Since Sara had her friends, I am sure she still would have had a good time. With a few excuses, I quickly hung up the cell phone without giving her any more time. I was really at a loss of words and I didn't want to talk to Sara's friend anymore then I needed to.

A few hours later, I went to work. I work at an internet cafe, so its not a really hard job. I just sit there and assign people to computers. Lucikly it was a slow day so I was staring at some AIM chats while an employee told me someone was looking for me. I nodded and turned my head and saw Sara standing at the entrance. She was there motioning to me that she wanted to talk. I nodded and told my friend to take my place. Then I took Sara out back towards the employee parking lot and let her talk. Basically she said she wanted to apologize about the party. She quickly realized it wasn't fun for her at all, since I wasn't around and that she wanted to make up for it. I silently nodded and just kept staring at her, trying to make her feel bad, though internally I was feeling bad. I was feeling guility for doing all this stuff, but I had to pull it through. Well, Sara invited me to a dinner on that night to make up for the party and I agreed. She even paid for my dinner. I really enjoyed her company and then after that we both headed off to her apartment. After that, well you get the picture.

True, its weird trying to change your persona from a nice guy to a more of a nonchalant male. You got to be indifferent and more independent, but I am sure you can do it. I sort of did it and slowly working to "recovery" what Jeff calls it. HAHA, but yeah, I seriously would like to thank Jeff and IW though. Without Jeff informing me of the Friend's List and that I was an IW, I wouldn't have gotten Sara and probably wouldn't have the guts to make a move on her or even speak with her. Its possible to change and I give thanks for that change. Thanks Oneshot and thanks IW. I salute to you both.

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