If you people haven't heard of what Enzyte is, you must be living under a rock. It's that 'Once-a-day tablet for Natural Male Enhancement' pill. Anyway, you see this Enzyte commercial all the goddamn time. It's the commercial with that grinning idiot that they named 'Bob'.

'Bob' the Enzyte fucktard

This is probably one of the most annoying commercial ever. Why? Well, first off, you just wanna smack the shit outta a guy who looks like that. The grin he constantly makes throughout the commercial makes him all the more annoying. It also doesn't help that Enzyte sounds like some kinda term you would give for an aborted fetus.

The song played during the commercial is annoying also. All you hear is whistling. It reminds me of those old family shows like 'Leave It To Beaver'. Here's what really bothers me....the commercial alone is not only extremely annoying but it's on ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!! Actually, that's untrue, the commercial (until recently) seems to show almost exclusive on The Comedy Central channel, so if you like watching that channel, I'm sure you'llve come across that commercial on many many occasions. Unfortunately, it seems to have branched out to other channels like Bravo and TNT and such.

I really don't understand that commercial. Do people really fall for that shit? Do people actually believe there's a pill out there that gives you 'male enhancement'? What I find sad is that that commercial preys on a person's insecurities to get 'em to buy their product. I'm sure people have bought into this commercial before and have ordered 'em, only to find out they're nothing more some bullshit pills that do nothing to give 'em 'male enhancement'. They're probably the same people that ordered that 'Turbo Tornado' thing that gets attached in the intake tube of their car in hopes of gaining an extra 12-20 horsepower to their car. What a joke.

Anyway, I think those Enzyte commercials are stupid and have got to go.

Here's a reply I received on this rant as well as my reply included.

From: "Eric" <e_type@comcast.net>
Date: Thu, 5 Aug 2004 18:30:09 -0700
Subject: enzyte rant

Hey, Just thought I'd try and point a few things out regarding that enzyte thing. This is a drug. Drugs almost always work, and have some reaction if you take one. Enzyte undoubtedly does what it says, to a greater or lesser degree in everyone who takes it. The same as all those "recreational" (illegal) drugs that induce hallucinations and whatnot. The people who invented those drugs didn't have those things in mind when they made it, the people that made enzyte probably were looking for something else when they discovered it affected people the way it does as well.

Second, the point of advertising is to get you to remember a product through any means necessary. Enzyte obviously got that right since you actually wrote a rant about it and put it on your website. This creates word of mouth, and somebody might hear about it from a person that read your rant and end up buying it because of you, who was influenced by the enzyte commercial. The commercial sucks, but it sticks with you.

And finally, the "turbo tornado" thing really does work. This email is already long enough so I won't explain why, but what it does really will make more power in a car. That exact same concept is used in many types of racing engines, the carb spacer has grooves cut in it to help swirl the air and make it easier for the engine to breath. They're lying by stating how MUCH it affects an engine, but it will improve performance.

Anyway, have fun being an ass, hope nobody beats the crap out of you for saying something at the wrong time.

Eric
http://etype.anifics.com

Here is my reply:

First off, please explain to me what Enzyte does. Really, I would like to know. I'm dead serious. You say it's a drug and drugs 'almost always work, and have some reaction if you take one'. First off, are you sure it's a drug? Last I heard, Enzyte isn't FDA approved and is actually considered a 'nutritional supplement'. Do you think it might have something to do with the fact that nutritional supplements don't need to be FDA approved? It kinda reminds me of SUVs being categorized as trucks since they would never pass emission laws if they were considered otherwise? Enzyte being considered a nutritional supplement basically helps it circumvent the fact that it would never be FDA approved much like the way SUVs are considered trucks to circumvent emission laws.

Okay, so let's say this 'drug' works. Now, if Enzyte works, exactly what does it do? Sorry, but I don't think "It gives you Male Enhancement" is an acceptable answer. What you need to know is that I wasn't ranting about the Enzyte product. I was ranting about that annoying commercial that's on constantly. They're just as annoying as those damn 'Quizno' commercials with those mutated singing rats. But since you wanted to bring the product into play, I might as well talk about the product, too.

Ever wonder what this 'Male Enhancement' effect you're supposed experience? I'm pretty sure you, like every guy out there that've seen the commercial, probably assumed it would either give you either a bigger penis, give you an erection, or increase sexual stamina. Funnily enough, it does none of these things.

Enzyte will not alter the size or shape of the penis. Also, Enzyte is not for use in treating sexual dysfunction or any medical condition. So, if it does none of this, exactly what's this 'Male Enhancement' we're supposed to experience upon taking the drug? So if that's the case, what is Enzyte used for? If you listen carefully to the commercial, you'll realize that not once do they ever say with it DOES do should you take it. It just claims what it MAY do.

In the commercial, why is 'Bob' smiling like an idiot? It's probably because he's experienced the effects of Enzyte, that being 'Male Enhancement', whatever the hell it is, right? That's what bothers me, how the commercial plays on people's stupidity.

Have you ever seen commercials use the word 'Virtually'? Many commercials use that. For example, commercials for certain cleaners claim their products generally 'cleans virtually any surface'. Well, commercials use the word 'virtually' because most people believe something that 'cleans virtually everything' actually means something. When you hear a claim like that, you probably think there's basically nothing that can't be cleaned. Well, little do people know that the word 'virtually', in the world of advertising, is a completely meaningless word. The word 'virtually' doesn't need to be proven to consumers. For instance, if you buy a product that doesn't 'clean virtually everything', you're shit outta luck. It's your fault for assuming 'virtually everything' applies to what you had in mind when you first bought the product.

Another word that's meaningless in the world of advertising is 'Best'. If you see a commercial that says its product 'Is the best product you will ever find', it means nothing since they don't hafta prove that it's the 'Best' of anything. Of course, since people think words like 'Best' actually means something in their mind, that's why you see commercials spitting that word left and right. Now, if you see a product that uses the word 'Better' and makes comparison to another similar product, then it was proven to be better. Otherwise, the company of the product is liable to a nasty lawsuit. Why do you think you never see commercials that use the word 'Better'? In the world of advertising, 'Better' holds more weight than 'Best' or 'Virtually'.

This is what annoys me about Enzte. This 'Male Enhancement' pitch is tantamount to the use of the word 'virtually' (ie: It means NOTHING and there is no proof required to back up those words). They might as well say it's the 'Best' product for 'Male Enhancement' for an even better effect on the general populace even though those words used SOUNDS like it means something even though, from the advertiser's point of view, it MEANS absolutely nothing

What you need to know is that the commercial preys on human stupidity and exploits the fact that you would 'assume' what 'Male Enhancement' is. Therefore, when/if you go bitching to the company about how their products don't work, they are under no obligation to give a shit about you. Afterall, it's not their fault you 'assumed' what their product does. That's basically them covering their own ass and one of the reasons why so many people fall for it. If you're a smart consumer and are aware of such nuances, you'll realize you're being duped.

Now, to all you people out there that believe in Enzyte and are itching to flame me for slandering this so-called miracle 'drug', perhaps you should know that the effects of Enzyte (ie: Enzyte will not alter the size or shape of the penis. Also, Enzyte is not for use in treating sexual dysfunction or any medical condition.) was a cut and paste of the info I found about their product from their webpage.

To me, Enzyte is nothing more than some super-placebo. I'm pretty sure I can get rich by getting some placebo and advertising 'em as 'Breast Enhancement Pills'. I'm sure, within no time, girls who feel self-conscious of themselves and the size of their breasts would come knocking down my door for this new product. Why? Well, it's pretty easy to fool people especially if I advertise and have knowledge of the fact that basically every girl out there is gonna 'assume' those pills will give them bigger breasts even though I never actually made any claims as to exactly what the effects are.

Concerning the 'Turbo Tornado' product, yes, it does work, in essence. Of course, if you watch the commercial, it's never mentioned that in order to increase your car's performance by double digit horsepower, the product needs to be complemented with an intake system, which generally costs upwards of over $250, provided you buy a good intake system. Once again, like the Enzyte commercial, this commercial knows you will assume that buying just the Turbo Tornado product will give you a large amount of horsepower even though they never mention that you need to get an intake system for the full effect.

Oh yeah, just to be clear, I'm aware that the Turbo Tornado does improve gas mileage. I never once contested such a thing. I do, however, contest the horsepower gains since most of the gains come from adding an intake system in conjunction to the Turbo Tornado.

You mentioned "That exact same concept is used in many types of racing engines, the carb spacer has grooves cut in it to help swirl the air and make it easier for the engine to breath." Well, you're right in that claim and I agree with it. However, it's the CONCEPT that works, just not the product. If the product worked, how come we don't see all race cars with the Turbo Tornado product in them or using their own custom version of it?

I highly doubt anyone that reads my rants, especially this reply, would recommend Enzyte to anyone. If anything, they would actually deter them from buying the product. But then again, that would be me assuming they would do that and it's not good to assume anything ;)

Initially, the Enzyte COMMERCIAL annoyed the hell outta me. Now, after writing this reply, I came to the conclusion that the product annoys me just as much as the commercial.

I hope you find my reply useful.

Here's another email I got concerning my Enzyte rant:

From: SoEastBiker@aol.com
Date: Tue, 24 May 2005 02:59:22 EDT
Subject: The Turbo Tornado?

You bought it and it isnt what it says it is? You watch wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too much T.V. And to get this excited over something that isn't being forced upon you,makes me want to reccomend a good therapist because you have some major issues.

Here is my reply:

I bought the Turbo Tornado and it isn't what it says it is? Hold on, lemme look around my house for the product you said I bought. Hm, I don't see it. I think it has to do with the fact that I never bought such an item and I'm not that gullible.

I would also like you to elaborate on how you arrived upon such a conclusion that I watch way too much TV based on my reaction to a commercial. Just like the commercial wasn't forced upon me and I reacted to it by writing a rant, the same should apply for the reading of my rant and writing a response to it. You could have just as well moved on instead of reading the rant and responding as I could have changed the channel when the commercial came on.

I don't believe in therapists. As long as I have a friend that is willing to listen to my problems, I find no need to pay an exorbitant amount of money for something like that. To me, a therapist is about as useless for my personal problems. My seeking therapy over talking to a friend is as akin to my taking yoga class over stretching at home. I'd rather get it for free.

-OneShot

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